your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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