the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
