I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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