I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
