My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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