At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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