I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
