Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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