I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
