I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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