I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
