This is not my ceiling
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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