i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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