She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
