I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
