what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
