rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize