I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
