I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
