so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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