I wanna bring you to show and tell
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
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I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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