My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
