Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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