I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
