I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Drake has all the answers
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
