take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Randomize
