I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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