My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
