and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize