my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize