we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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