He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
