This dress was meant to end up on your floor
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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