I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Panties = found
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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