I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
