jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
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I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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