everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
