my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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