I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
