i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
