i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
