My friends, they love my intelligence
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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