You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
