ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
