I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We need to rekindle our bromance
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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