If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
