I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
