I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
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i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
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It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.