Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
