I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
