I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
