and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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