dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
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I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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