Whod you bang
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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