I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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