i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
