We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
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No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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