Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
